Sunday, April 27, 2008

The Prologue of Me

In my mid-twenties, after college, I wanted to be re-connected to the Divine - I had kind of let that aspect of my life go a bit. I started seeking what Path He had for me. I ended up right back in Christian-based patriarchy, and for a while was in love with the whole kit-and-caboodle of it. Something in it really appealed to me, I was ready to commit to being obedient to my husband, wear Amish-type clothes, and move to a conservative Mennonite community. Fortunately my husband, while supportive of my journey even though he totally did not get it at all, was not the kind to be easily swayed with dogma and my convincing arguments and Bible verses and taped sermons. There was no way he was going to move us into the middle of a community that didn't allow television or the showing of bare arms. And honestly, the fact that they felt dancing and instrumental music were frivolous and possibly sinful (and therefore forbidden) had given me serious pause as well. No dancing? Because it's inherently sexual? Are you serious? I struggled with that, because on the one hand it didn't fit my idea of God and joyfulness (which all religions promise)...but on the other hand God's plans might not be my plans, and if He for some reason wanted me to give up dancing as part of a Higher Calling, then I should do that, right? Maybe it was a sacrifice I needed to make, for reasons I couldn't understand then. Anyway....... I came away from that unscathed, put away my little headcoverings and once again didn't know what my Path was. I wandered around a bit, looking for the Church that would give me the answers. Two years ago I read a book by Spong (Why Christianity Must Change) and it was like a revelatory experience... I felt that the Father-figure God I had always believed in was NOT what I had known Him to be. It was really hard for me, there was an element of greiving there. I also felt afraid - like without that belief, I was exposed and vulnerable, I didn't know which way to turn or what to do. And we were taught that the Devil would always try to lead us astray and that he was very convincing... maybe I was being decieved and lured by Satan Himself. Which may sound silly but to someone who believes in those things, it is a very real fear. I felt very lost. At the same time, I felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I realized that it was okay to let go of all my previous beliefs, to clear the slate entirely and start from scratch. That God had led people to Him who had never even heard of Him, that they didn't have learned men who instructed them about what God wanted, that they got that from God Himself. And if God could speak to Abraham out of the blue, He surely could lead me on the right path, to the Truth. I had nothing to lose, but everything to gain. And realizing this, I felt free. It was difficult for me, but honestly it would have been impossible for me to go back to the "Father in the Sky" Judeo-Christian God. I had already seen a glimpse of something else, that I didn't understand but recognized as real and true. Since then I've learned more about the nature of the Divine, and every little hint is amazing and beautiful.


Anonymous said...

Wow, I'm blown away. Completely, utterly. I wandered over here from you Mama. Undone. blog to find a kindred spirit.

In the fall of this past year I also found myself on a spiritual quest. In my mid-twenties, I also went searching and found myself steeped in very conservative Christendom. I wore only dresses. Wore no make-up, took out all of my earrings, wore a head covering. I wanted to badly to connect to a spiritual entity I was willing to completely deny my own existence to achieve it. I realized not long into that journey that I felt empty instead of filled.

Unlearning all of the patriarchal monotheistic teachings of my youth has been gratifying and fulfilling once I got over the hurdle of being very afraid.

Thanks for sharing your journey, if you don't mind, I'd love to link to your blog.


Collinskymama said...

"I wanted to badly to connect to a spiritual entity I was willing to completely deny my own existence to achieve it."

Absolutely... this is exactly it! Thank you for saying that so well. And please, link away!